Recent events have led me to wander back into the scary world of internet dating sites for the first time in about three years. Hey, the last time I did it I wound up getting a free trip to the Super Bowl so it can't be all bad, right? So upon the recommendation of a friend I stumbled onto a Christian version of Eharmony yesterday and spent a good portion of my day filling out endless profile information and divulging everything about myself right down to the length of my toenails. After finishing all that about six hours later I found, to my amazement, that I had a 96% match. So I click over to see who my future wife is going to be and I find this in her profile information:
What I seek....
White or/and Hispanic Handsome Young Man for I find those nationalities attractive to me (Maybe I can fool her with a picture of Enrique Eglasias in my profile.)
Age 20-28 (Alas, I am an old man of 31)
Single, Never married (Score!)
Still a virgin like myself (Can you be more specific?)
Toned - Athletic /Thin/Slim-fit profiles only (In other words, the Lord is not leading me to meet any fat guys at this time.)
Will Live in the US (Score!)
Spiritual leader (And I want you to lead me exactly as I tell you.)
Non-smoker/non-drinker (You want me to give up heroin too?)
Enjoys Instrumental, or Classical, or Acappella, and/or Sacred Music (Just as long as we can mix in some Weird Al Yankovic once in a while.)
Not KJV only (Score!)
Calvinistic Doctrinally (You mean "hyper," right? Must be a typo.)
Modest Dress standards at all times (Can I still wear my Speedo to the pool?)
Accept my conviction on the Woman's headcovering (Hey, as long as it's not a yellow foam cheesehead.)
Has high moral standards (Oh, I didn't pick up on that from the previous points.)
Believes in Courtship & Home schooling (But not at the same time.)
Believes that a woman should stay at home when married (Does this mean I need to get a job?)
Open to coming down to meet me and get to know my family and I in Maryland as the Lord opens the door (After reading this profile, who wouldn't be?)
My Father may seem to be a scary guy, but his great love for me only wants to see the best for his Daughter. (Gee, I can't wait to meet him.)
Overall I meet about three of her 472 qualifications. So basically, if you put her profile to music it would go something like this:
Mom, don't plan on having any grandchildren any time soon.
lol
Posted by: Laur | October 28, 2007 at 10:59 PM
Speaking of Weird Al, I have a feeling she'd like this one: http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsfVw9xxoNY
Posted by: Micah J.L. | October 30, 2007 at 09:41 AM
oh, i was curious... did it happen to say what made you a 96% match? i mean, was a huge amount of weight put on "monotheism" or something?
Posted by: Laur | October 30, 2007 at 10:04 PM
I'm not sure how they figure it out, but I've since discovered that just about every other person is at least a 90% match. I think the fact that she was a Calvinist and was withing my (broad) required height, age, and race range kicked it up to 96.
Posted by: Micah J.L. | October 31, 2007 at 07:03 AM