In case you were wondering, I'm still not happy about these new Vikings uniforms. I'll take this as a sign that things are going well for me right now that I have nothing else to complain about but this. They don't even look like my team anymore and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to cheer for a team that looks like they just stepped out of the XFL this year.
But I will, of course, because they're still my team. It's kind of like when your kid gets to that age where he wants to start dressing like Busta Rhymes. You still love your kid, which is why you don't want him to make a fool of himself. He thinks he is being original when in fact he is just following the crowd because he has no spine. He is too shortsighted to see that this style of dress is just a fad, but you know (because you remember baseball going through the same thing in the mid-'80s with teams like the Astros and White Sox) that sooner or later he will see the error of his ways. You just hope that it is sooner than later.
So now that the Vikings can no longer lay claim to the best looking uniforms in the NFL, the search must begin for a new title-holder until the Vikings regain their sanity. I'll start the contest by ranking the teams in each division and then go from there. And in case you're wondering, no, I don't have anything better to do right now.
- Patriots -- One of the few teams that made a change for the better coming out of the '80s. Everything about them looks sharp, from the silver helmet, to the sweet logo, to the non-flashy jersey and pants.
- Dolphins -- As far as I know, this is the only team that can actually pull off looking halfway decent in teal. The 3D numbers don't help though.
- Jets -- Solid green and white, but ugly helmet logo. I preferred the '80s look.
- Bills -- Used to be number 1 until the recent change with the ridiculous colored shoulder pads on the road and the ridiculous blue on blue jersey/pants combination.
- Steelers -- They won five Super Bowls in these uniforms and I don't see how they could ever change.
- Ravens -- There's only one team that looks good in purple (used to be anyway) and you ain't it.
- Bengals -- Used to be number 1 in the North until they went all XFL last year.
- Browns -- I'm all for preserving tradition and everything, but, come on. Get a logo, even a bad one.
- Colts -- No fancy schmancy, just solid blue and white, block numbers, sweet looking horseshoe...please don't ever change.
- Texans -- If the New England Patriots and the Texas Longhorns had a kid, this is what it would look like. But it works. Thank you for being the first expansion team in 25 years not to use teal.
- Titans -- Jersey numbers that look like alarm clock digits.
- Jaguars -- Too much teal and too much logo.
- Raiders -- You can't go wrong with the silver and black.
- Chiefs -- Nice and simple, very nice logo, unchanged for 40 years. The best use of Red by any sports team.
- Broncos -- Bad move getting rid of the blaze orange and going with the XFL look, but slightly less bad since it resulted in two Super Bowl wins.
- Chargers -- Wake up and go back to the powder blue.
- Redskins -- Same thing as the Chiefs, yet different.
- Giants -- Good move to go back to the old-school uniforms, unlike the Jets.
- Eagles -- They just look fast, but the old green looked better.
- Cowboys -- Wear your home jerseys at home, idiots.
- Lions -- I've always loved the silver and blue, but it would look better if they could win more than one playoff game during my lifetime.
- Bears -- Unchanged since black and white TV, simple yet bold. Too bad they're still the Bears.
- Vikings -- sigh.
- Packers -- Spinach and lemon? And they look like a banana split on the road. Okay, so I'm a little biased.
- Panthers -- I don't particularily like 'em, but they're in the worst looking division so somebody has to be on top.
- Buccaneers -- Never should have lost the blaze orange.
- Saints -- Nice logo, but bad color scheme.
- Falcons -- I think this one was rejected by the XFL.
- 49ers -- They get to be on top because they still look similar to what they looked like in the '80s. But the 3D numbers gotta go.
- Cardinals -- These were probably among the top three in the NFL until they went all XFL.
- Rams -- Look like the old uniforms (also among the top three) after working in the mines all day.
- Seahawks -- Just ugly in every possible way. All four of these teams need to go back to what they were wearing in the '80s.
Top 5 in the AFC
Top 5 in the NFC
The Laundry Bowl:
Colts over the Redskins, 57-47.
And now for some theme music: