It's time for March Madness again. This is the time of year when sports fans can go mad from the lack of quality sports on TV while waiting for baseball season and the hockey playoffs to get started. I'm afraid to turn on ESPN or KFAN this time of year because I know the first thing I'm going to see or hear is basketball. Do people still consider this a sport? I can't help but laugh when I hear a basketball commentator mention the word "defense" referring to a basketball game. I don't think I've ever watched an entire basketball game in my life but every time I happen to flip by one on TV all I see is five guys standing around with their hands in the air while someone is dribbling around them right to the basket. If someone tries to stop him from scoring it's called a foul. Then I look at the scoreboard and it's something like 145-131. I just don't get it. Just not my cup of tea. I'll cheer on the Vikings, Twins, and Stars all year long but if the Timberwolves ever make it to the finals you'll find me too busy ironing my socks to notice.
Here are the top ten changes I plan to make when I become commissioner of the NBA:
- If an opposing player is trying to score a basket you have every right to try and stop him. Use force if necessary. Like hitting, tackling, or a nice forearm to the jaw.
- The baskets will be raised to 15 feet--20 if Yoa Ming is playing.
- No more hardwood floors. They squeak and they make it too easy to dribble. They will be replaced with grass. Or maybe ice a couple times a year.
- Only one point for a basket. Is there really a need to count two points for every basket? This will prevent many scoreboard operators from developing arthritis later in life.
- A foul will only be called if an ambulance is summoned onto the court/field.
- No more shorts and wife beaters. I don't need to stare at your skinny legs for three hours. Wear pants like every other sport.
- Home teams wear home jerseys.
- Fans are given full permission to throw beer at players.
- Games will no longer be seen on ESPN, ABC, or CBS so as not to interfere with real sports like Football, baseball, hockey, tennis, pool, or ping-pong.
- Five or more illigitimate children and you're out of the league.